am i really strong?

I like to make myself and other people think that i am a completely strong individual. i like to show that i have everything under control, nothing can get to me. i have gone through so much in my life, and i am still always fine. i have to remain that way for myself and for my family. in some ways, i believe i am mama's rock, the one who holds her together. i have a younger sister to watch after, make sure she doesnt stray down the wrong road. but honestly, am i really a strong person. am i really weak because i put on a mask and lie to everyone around me, to myself. i dont show that things bother me when they really do. at times i just want to buckle over and cry, let everything out. i just want to lie there and have nothing to do. i could cry if i wanted, think, re-evaluate things, or just sleep. just let go of stress for just a moment. so, does this really make me weak. i dont fall back God like i should. i dont let Him control my life the way i should. i want to know i have everything under control, i want to know just what is going to happen next. so, does all of this make me weak?

how i came to fall in love with God

well , i gave my life to God at the age of 8. i went to a play with my grandma and grandpa. they were very religious people and i went to church with them from time to time. my parents werent into the whole church thing. mama was saved , and daddy knew so much about the bible, they had just both turned away from the Lord. i remeber coming home and telling mama i gave my life to God that night, and she cried , but they werent tears of joy. she was afraid that my grandparents had forced me to make that choice, and i told her no mama , it was all my decision. the play we went to see was about people who went to heaven and then the ones who didnt. i remember one little girl died and went to heaven. her family died later on i the play, and they saw standing by Jesus and they were so happy to see her again. but then they all discovered that the little girl's family was going to hell. i told my grandparents that i didnt want to be like them . i wanted to go to heaven and be able to stand with Jesus when i die. so, i gave my life to Him that night. over the next years , i went to church here and there but never with my parents. occasionally mama would go if there was summin special but daddy never did.
in april of 2003 , my nanny died. i was 8 years old and in the third grade. it tore my world apart. i loved my nanny , so much. i still say i was her favorite. :) the day it happened was her birthday. she had been in the hospital and when she came home we were gonna throw her a birthday party, but nanny never came home. i dont know if my nanny was saved or not , i am pretty sure she was. i can only pray and hope she was. about 3 or 4 months after it , me and my family moved into nanny ' s house. not long after i turned 9 . daddy ended up starting a lawncare business called RAM Lawncare. daddy ended getting hired to do the ground maintenance for New Life Baptist Church. the pastor there , Pastor Ronnie Faircloth , would always talk to daddy and invite him to church. one night daddy told us we were goin to church sunday mornin and we did. we went regularly after that . then we joined the church. that was about 4 or 5 years ago and daddy is now a deacon at NLB , and together daddy and mama head the children's ministry. i am quite dedicated to the youth group.
i came to know God through my grandparents , a play , and a church family who loves me .